Absolutely! Your detailed analysis is excellent and provides a robust framework for comparing these translations. Let’s delve into a more structured, point-by-point comparison using your five dimensions, further enriching the analysis with specific examples and deeper justifications.
Here’s a comparative analysis of the Creative translation and Wang Yipei’s translation of Rimbaud’s “Départ,” based on the five dimensions you outlined:
Comparative Analysis: Creative Translation vs. Wang Yipei Translation
1. Semantic Fidelity (语义忠实度)
- Creative Translation: Generally demonstrates good semantic fidelity, particularly in capturing the core meaning of individual words and phrases. “Les arrêts de la vie” translated as “人生的停滯” (human life’s stagnation) or “生命的顿挫” (life’s setbacks) accurately reflects the sense of pause and blockage. “Visions” as “幻象” or “視象” maintains the abstract and multi-layered nature of the original.
- Wang Yipei Translation: Shows more significant departures from semantic fidelity for the sake of impactful imagery. “La vision s’est rencontrée à tous les airs” becoming “形形色色的嘴脸一览无余” (all sorts of faces seen at a glance) is a radical reinterpretation. While “vision” can be interpreted broadly, “嘴脸” (faces) introduces a specific, and arguably judgmental, connotation not explicitly present in the original. “Les arrêts de la vie” as “人生的驿站” (life’s way stations) is evocative but softens the negative connotation of “arrêt” (stop, halt, arrest) and shifts the focus from stagnation to transient stops on a journey.
Example Justification:
- “Visions”: Rimbaud’s “visions” are often interpreted within the context of his symbolist and “seer” (voyant) poetics. Creative’s “幻象/視象” retains this ambiguity, encompassing dreamlike imagery, hallucinations, or heightened perceptions. Wang Yipei’s “嘴脸” restricts “vision” to a social critique of human appearances, narrowing the scope of Rimbaud’s more expansive and potentially metaphysical “vision.”
2. Formal Correspondence (形式对应)
- Creative Translation: Stronger in formal correspondence. Maintains the three-part “Assez…” structure with “看得夠多了/經歷得夠多了/認識得夠多了” or “看夠了/夠了/知夠了,” preserving the rhythmic repetition and building sense of exhaustion. Retains the dashes and exclamation point accurately, aiming to replicate the original punctuation’s impact.
- Wang Yipei Translation: Looser in formal correspondence. “看透了/受够了/见多了” while conveying similar sentiments, loses the parallel structure and the cumulative effect of the repeated “Assez.” Sentence structure is also more varied, deviating from the concise, almost telegraphic style of Rimbaud’s lines. While dashes are kept, the overall rhythmic impact of the original form is less evident.
Example Justification:
- “Assez…” Structure: The repetition of “Assez” is crucial to the poem’s effect, emphasizing the feeling of saturation and finality. Creative’s version, by mirroring this structure, maintains this key formal element. Wang Yipei’s version, while still starting each section with a verb expressing satiety, doesn’t replicate the explicit repetition, diluting the rhythmic and emphatic force.
3. Linguistic Tension (语言张力)
- Creative Translation: Aims for linguistic tension through word choices that are both evocative and slightly detached. “情愫與聲響” (affections and sounds) in the final line uses a more formal, almost classical Chinese vocabulary (“情愫”) which creates a subtle tension against the more direct “聲響.” “顿挫” (setback, pause) also carries a certain weight and abruptness.
- Wang Yipei Translation: Creates linguistic tension primarily through vivid and sometimes jarring imagery. “形形色色的嘴脸” is a strong, almost confrontational image. “新的喧闹” (new clamor) injects a dynamic and slightly chaotic element into the concept of “bruit.” However, some phrases like “日复一日” (day after day) are more conventional and less linguistically tense.
Example Justification:
- “bruit neufs”: “Bruit” in French can range from noise to clamor to sound. Creative’s “聲響” is neutral and open to interpretation, allowing for a potentially broader sense of “new sounds” – both pleasant and jarring. Wang Yipei’s “喧闹” (clamor, noise) is more specifically defined and potentially more forceful, emphasizing the chaotic and perhaps even overwhelming nature of the “new noise.”
4. Temporal Idiom (时代语感)
- Creative Translation: Leans towards a slightly more timeless or literary Chinese idiom. “幻景,” “情愫,” “頓挫” carry a more classical or literary flavor, potentially resonating with readers familiar with traditional Chinese poetry or translated symbolist works from earlier periods.
- Wang Yipei Translation: Employs a more contemporary and colloquial Chinese idiom. Phrases like “看透了,” “受够了,” “见多了,” and sentence structures are closer to modern spoken Chinese. This makes the translation more immediately accessible to a wider contemporary audience.
Example Justification:
- “幻景” vs. “幻像”: Creative’s “幻景” aligns with the translation tradition of Symbolist poetry in Chinese (e.g., Baudelaire’s “幻象”). Wang Yipei’s “幻像” is the more common and contemporary term for “illusion” or “vision” in mainland China. The choice reflects different target audiences and stylistic preferences.
5. Recreating the Poet’s Spirit (诗人气质再现)
- Creative Translation: Attempts to recreate Rimbaud’s spirit through structural fidelity, slightly more abstract vocabulary, and attention to punctuation, aiming for a sense of intensity and abruptness, aligning with the “revolutionary” and “seer” image of Rimbaud. The notes explaining the choices further reinforce this academic and scholarly approach to capturing Rimbaud’s essence.
- Wang Yipei Translation: Recreates Rimbaud’s spirit through directness and emotional force. The stronger, more visceral imagery (“嘴脸,” “喧闹”) and the more colloquial language might be seen as capturing a different facet of Rimbaud – his rebellious energy and his desire to break free from convention. However, by making the language more accessible, it arguably domesticates Rimbaud, making him less “otherworldly” and revolutionary.
Example Justification:
- “嘴脸” and “驿站”: While impactful in Chinese, these concrete images risk simplifying Rimbaud’s complex and often ambiguous symbolism. Rimbaud’s “rebellion” wasn’t just about social critique (faces) or life’s journey (way stations), but a more radical questioning of reality and language itself. Creative’s more abstract approach might be argued to better reflect this deeper, more philosophical rebellion.
Summary of Strengths and Weaknesses:
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Creative Translation:
- Strengths: High semantic fidelity, strong formal correspondence, attempts to recreate linguistic tension and Rimbaud’s revolutionary spirit, academically informed.
- Weaknesses: Potentially less immediately accessible to a general audience due to slightly more formal language, might be perceived as less emotionally direct compared to Wang Yipei.
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Wang Yipei Translation:
- Strengths: Highly readable and fluent in contemporary Chinese, emotionally direct and impactful imagery, strong sense of dynamism and rebellion.
- Weaknesses: Lower semantic fidelity in places, looser formal correspondence, risks oversimplifying Rimbaud’s symbolism, potentially domesticates Rimbaud’s revolutionary spirit by making him more accessible.
Overall Assessment:
Based on your criteria and a focus on capturing the “spirit” and “poetics” of Rimbaud, Creative’s translation likely achieves a higher degree of success in terms of academic accuracy and poetic fidelity. It prioritizes conveying the nuances of Rimbaud’s symbolism and the formal structure of the poem.
However, Wang Yipei’s translation is arguably more successful in creating a powerful and engaging reading experience for a general contemporary audience. Its directness, vivid imagery, and colloquial language make the poem immediately impactful and relatable, even if it takes more liberties with the original text.
Regarding “Poetry-in-Poetry Translation”:
Following the principle of “poetry-in-poetry translation,” Creative’s version leans closer to this ideal in terms of structural and semantic faithfulness, attempting to recreate the “poetic form” and “poetic meaning” of Rimbaud’s original. Wang Yipei’s version, while undeniably poetic in its own right, prioritizes creating a powerful Chinese poem inspired by Rimbaud, perhaps at the expense of some aspects of direct fidelity to the original French.
Ultimately, the “better” translation depends on the reader’s purpose. For scholarly study and a deeper understanding of Rimbaud’s original work, Creative’s version might be preferable. For a powerful and accessible poetic experience in Chinese, Wang Yipei’s version holds significant merit.